Your 2024 Old Thompson’s Almanac…

The twenties have been disappointing, haven’t they? So far, we’ve had a global pandemic, murderous wars and a lurch towards irreversible climate change. Our luck has to change, hasn’t it?

After consulting my crystal ball and the entrails of various animals, here’s my satirical look ahead to 2024.

January – In the United States Donald Trump surprisingly loses the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary to his hard-line challenger from Mississippi, Congressman I. Love-Gunns. Love-Gunns is running in a platform of nuclear war with Mexico unless it constructs a mile-high wall the length of the border and pays the United States compensation.

February – pundits speculate that Rishi Sunak is planning an early election when he announces a new plant to stop the boats. Instead of Rwanda, asylum seekers will be transported to British Antarctica.

‘This is in no way cruel,’ said Mr Sunak, ‘these people will be supplied with tents and the latest in outdoor clothing. With climate change, it will be warmer than Stoke on a Tuesday night in February.’

Nigel Farage, speaking from the Queensland jungle where he was abandoned after filming a popular television series, accuses the Prime Minister of being soft on immigration.

March – Vladimir Putin wins the Russian presidential election with 99% of the vote after all the rival candidates die in bizarre accidents. The strongest contender, Ivan Nohopeov committed suicide by jumping out the window of the prison hospital where he was recovering from accidently ingesting a radioactive nerve agent.

In record temperatures of 74% Celsius, Australia goes on fire. All of it, apart from the sandy bits. The world is horrified at the sight of kangaroos being attacked by sharks as they desperately try to swim to New Zealand. Rishi Sunak says the United Kingdom has a duty to welcome Australian refugees who can trace their ancestry to the country before 1900.

April – Sir Keir Starmer becomes UK prime minister after a landslide victory. The Conservatives are left with one MP, Suella Braverman. She blames the defeat on the party being soft on immigration and says when she becomes Prime Minister, she will buy rockets from Elon Musk and blast migrants to Mars.

Sir Keir says that the capture of every seat in Scotland by the SNP can in no way be interpreted as support for independence. Speaking from a friend’s private island in the Caribbean, Sir Keir says Labour is tune with hard-working families.

In Northern Ireland, the DUP loses every seat except two. Sammy Wilson is the new party leader with Ian Paisley as his deputy. Speaking from a friend’s private island in the Maldives, Mr Paisley says, ‘it is nonsense to suggest the party has lost touch with its working-class roots.’ He adds that a 68% vote for Sinn Féin in no way indicates a desire for a United Ireland.

May – Ireland’s snap election is indecisive. Fianna Fail and Fine Gael now united as a single Keep the Sinners Out party (KSO) agree to form a coalition with Conor McGregor’s Ireland for the Irish party (IFI). Leo Varadkar has to self-deport as part of the deal.

In the UK, Sir Keir Starmer, abolishes all forms of taxation for people with assets over £10 million. Describing himself as a compassionate New Labour Thatcherite, he says, ‘we must do everything we can to support these hard-working families that contribute so much to the Britain we love.’

June – Donald Trump, desperate to gain the Republican nomination, shoots a man in Fifth Avenue. His poll numbers soar. The victim, a wheel chair user who lost his legs on his fifth tour of Afghanistan was only slightly wounded. ‘It was an honour to be shot by Mr Trump,’ he says from his hospital bed. When President Trump says he thought I was a dangerous Islamic woke leftie transsexual attempting to kill him I believe him.’

July – I Love-Gunns drops out of the presidential race after a controversial photo of him emerges of him unarmed in an open carry state. Mr Trump accepts the Republican Nomination and derides his challenger as being soft on immigration.

Sir Keir Starmer, cancels the Conservatives migrant policy which he describes as ‘barbarbic’. Calling himself a New One Nation Conservative, he says migrants will instead be accommodated in abandoned whaling sheds in South Georgia. Argentina’s president Xavier Milei says the penguins of South Georgia are proud of their Argentinian heritage and will fight the English invaders to the death. Odds on him winning the Nobel Peace prize shorten considerably.

August – The Olympic games close after an impressive performance by the Chinese team which won every medal it competed in. President Xi says he will, if necessary, invade Taiwan to defend his country’s honour against accusations of cheating. Odds of him winning the next Nobel Peace prize shorten to 3-1. In Georgia, Donald Trump is jailed for fifty years for attempting to over-turn the state’s election result in 2020. ‘It’s all fake news by the lying woke media!’ he screams while being led away in a strait-jacket. I Love-Gunns replaces Trump as the GOP candidate.

October – Concerns over President’s Biden health mount after he comes third in Delaware’s annual triathlon. Fox News cites the president’s failure to beat two men fifty years his junior as evidence of his decrepid state.

BMeanwhile in Sweden, Benjamin Netanyahu controversially wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Mr Netanyahu describes his recent conquest of Jordan and invasion of Iraq as ‘a military necessity to secure Israel’s borders’. President Biden and Sir Keir Starmer, affirm Israel’s right to defend itself.

November – President Biden is re-elected in a landslide victory. I Love-Gunns claims the election was rigged and cites the President’s surprise victory in Wyoming as clear evidence of fraud. ‘I mean,’ said Love-Gunns, ‘there’s 3 million firearms in Wyoming and 300,000 people. There’s no way Sleepy Joe gets a million votes there.’

In his acceptance speech, President Biden congratulates Richard Nixon on a magnificent victory. He seems bemused when an aide points out President Nixon won in 1972. ‘Who’s that guy I beat then?’ he asks. He is persuaded to step down for health reasons and Kamala Harris becomes the first female president of the United States. In a controversial move, she selects Hillary Clinton as her Vice-President.

December – President Harris’ tenure gets off to a rocky start when NASA discover a giant meteor on a collision course with earth; it will strike the planet just before the mid-terms. Elon Musk says he has a rocket which can knock the meteor off course but will only launch it if 90% of the planet subscribes to a blue tick account on X. Governments across the world make X subscriptions compulsory. Musk’s post on X announcing the launch date, is liked by seventy million scantily clad young women called Hannah.

In Ireland, the Taoiseach, Conor McGregor, says as the meteor is foreign it can feck right off. He promises it a hot reception should it dare go near O’Connell Street.

Musk’s rocket explodes on the launch pad but it only makes page nine of the English papers as Megan Markle dominates after criticising a coat the Princess of Wales wore.

‘WHY DOES SHE HATE BRITAIN SO MUCH??’ demands the Daily Mail.

In America everyone forgets about the rocket failure as Love-Gunns announces an armed march on Washington DC. President Harris resigns to live on a friend’s Polynesian island.

President Clinton vows to stop the uprising by any means necessary including tactical nuclear weapons. Bookies make her odds on to win the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize. Love-Gunns dies in a hail of automatic fire in a mysterious hunting accident and the march is called off. President Hillary, as she likes to be known, signs an emergency executive order condemning Donald Trump to five hundred years in prison and addresses the American people.

‘It might only be two years,’ she declares, ‘but they’ll be the best two years you’ll ever have.’

On his recently acquired private island in Hawaii, Sammy Wilson says as the world is ending in two years, ‘Sinn Féin should stop whining and enjoy the benefits of the union and Brexit.’

What are your predictions for 2024?

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